Affairs
Cheating on a partner is one of the most common reasons for break-ups. However, it doesn’t necessarily have to mean the end of the relationship. Some couples find that they can manage to forgive and move on. It depends on how you both feel about the affair and how you deal with your feelings. Open and honest communication is the best policy if you want to try to resolve the problem and start over again.
You’ve been cheating
If you’ve had an affair, talk to your partner about it as soon as possible. Plan it carefully though – find the right time and place and choose the right words. Make sure you and your partner go somewhere quiet where you will not be disturbed, and pick a time when neither of you is busy and when your partner is relaxed. The last thing you want is for one of you to have to dash off and for you not to get the opportunity to talk it over properly. Don’t beat about the bush when you tell your partner. Come straight out with it – ‘I’ve had an affair’ – as it can be confusing and even more distressing to leave your partner guessing what you’re trying to say. Also maintain direct eye contact as you reveal your news.
Everyone reacts differently to such upsetting news. Some people will fly off the handle whereas others may appear emotionless or lost for words. Allow your partner to react in their own way and in their own time. If they are argumentative and start shouting or hurling insults and accusations, try to diffuse the situation and don’t retaliate with counter insults or accusations. Listen calmly to what they have to say and don’t interrupt them. It may take time before their mind is clear enough to discuss it with you rationally. Give them the space they need.
Try to explain yourself, but avoid at all costs being negative towards your partner or blaming them for what you did otherwise you could aggravate matters. Take responsibility for your own actions. For example, rather than saying ‘It’s because you never listened to me when I was going through a difficult time with my family’, say ‘I found this person very supportive when I was having a difficult time with my family’.
If there are deeper issues in your relationship, you should try to discuss them openly and honestly with your partner at a later date when you have both had time to mull over the revelation you have just made. If you don’t try to resolve these problems, they will only return and the same might happen again, or the relationship might break down completely.
A final word of caution: don’t start divulging the details of your affair during your first discussion about it – the lover, the sex, the times and locations. You’ve just dropped an enormous bombshell, which will already be hard enough for your partner to take in.
You suspect your partner of cheating
If you think your partner has been having an affair, it can be very difficult to know how to deal with it. Some people confront their partner immediately, whereas others prefer to wait until they are sure of the affair. The best advice is to talk to your partner about it only when you are ready. Don’t try to ignore the issue completely though – if you do, it could just lead to bigger problems and more distress further down the line. However, on the other hand, don’t make up your mind in advance about what you will do once you confront your partner – i.e. whether you will stay or go. It’s impossible to make an informed decision until you know all the facts about the situation and you never know what these might be or how you might react to them.
When you decide that the time is right for you to speak to your partner about it, ask them directly to avoid any confusion. Make sure you choose a quiet time and place to allow you to chat openly without being disturbed or having to cut your conversation short. Approach the discussion with an open mind and listen to everything your partner has to say without interrupting them, to ensure you understand the full story and the truth. Of course you will be very upset, but focus on staying calm.
When your partner has finished speaking, you will probably still have lots of questions to ask to help you understand the situation. Keep your questions on the subject of why the affair happened rather than tormenting yourself with questions about the intimate details of the affair. You might find it important to know these details at a later stage, but going into them during your first discussion about the affair will only add to your distress and confusion.
Don’t get into the blame game – and this means not blaming yourself as well as not blaming your partner. Treat the issue as a joint problem for you both to work on together in an open and honest manner. After your initial discussion you might want to take some time to review your feelings before you launch into exploring the underlying issues in your relationship.
You want to sort things out
Now that the affair is out in the open and you have had time to consolidate your thoughts and feelings, it’s time to think about what you can both do to patch up your relationship. First of all, the affair has to stop. Then you both need to rebuild your communication and trust by discussing your problems openly with each other. This may take quite a while, perhaps involving several discussions over weeks or months, but ensure that you don’t spend long periods at a time going over it as you’ll just end up repeating yourselves and getting nowhere. Also, always schedule your discussions at a time when you’re both free and relaxed, to ensure that you’re in the right frame of mind. When you’ve managed to resolve your problems and clear the air, it’s important to make a joint commitment to a new start for your relationship. You need to draw a line under it and move on. Come to an agreement as to what you will do differently in your relationship to avoid any future recurrence of the problem or any similar problems. For example, promise to spend more quality time with each other, or to communicate openly as soon as there is a problem, or to be more supportive and better at listening to each other.
